April Fools Day 2009, In Beatrice's Personal Journal

Ever have one of those moments when you think to yourself, 'Wow bozo! you had that brain very long?' Well, that's the story of my life. And no, I'm not slamming myself as much I'm stunned that I can miss what should be so readily obvious.

I've lost track of the amount of time that I have spent studying forces, but I know that a lot of my free time in the last 8 weeks has gone to it. Night and nights have gone by with me just looking at this candle or staring at the ceiling light or observing the way that the electrical current moves through the wires in the walls. Have I ever mentioned to you what a wonder it is, to be able to see such things? Anyhow, after all those hours I spent watching and trying to bend them to my will, I blew the candle out in frustration, grabbed the clean clothes from the dryer, and retreated to the privacy of my bedroom to sulk.

About a third of the way through the hamper, Rad came in. We talked for a few minutes, just about normal stuff, then I made my decision to approach the topic with him. My husband is a wonderful man, always supportive, and a good teacher in his own way, but I know we shied away from magic that requires computers and gadgets. It's not that I have no need for foci, because sometimes having one makes things a lot easier to do. I just can't see myself writing a computer program on the fly, or building something with a blinking light, from the spare parts that I keep in my pockets for just such an occasion.

I thought to a lot about what people like David, Rad, and Sue have said to me over the course time about it, and in large part I do agree with them. However, I've learned in my two years as a magus, that have to be a lot more flexible and able to think on your feet. The 13 days that I spent being tortured by the Cult taught me a lot about the real meaning of 'will' and about how important is to be able to do my magic without props. I can only imagine how much more terrifying it would've been for me to have found myself that much more helpless.

It was when we sat down and talked about it, that Rad learned both Mind and Forces from a Hermetic. I felt a certain relief in knowing that, since Rad's ability to turn mathematical formulae into an act of will at least mirrored an internalized process that I could begin to understand. Of course that left me with the problem that I had never paid attention during either chemistry or physics. Mr. Davis was a brilliant man, but his monotonous classroom lectures lacked a lot in the way of inspiration. After having expressed my discouragement at not being able to make any headway, Rad convinced me to take the night off.

The progress that I made in the days following that discussion took me a bit toward my goal. I'm not gonna say that I figured out anything particularly stunning, but by grabbing one of the old physics books from down in the Silver Owl , I at least started to get a grasp on all those thing that I had missed while I had been sleeping in the back of the classroom. By the end of the week though, I had abandoned the tenets of science for the relative comfort of Richard Bach.

The beauty of reading illusions is that you can start reading it at breakfast and have it finished by lunch. I've probably read the book 20 times. This time the part where Donald Shimoda was talking about how to walk through walls was the part of the book that leapt up and bashed me over the head with with a baseball bat. The first time that I read the book after I had awakened, the idea of 'seeing it done' was the one that had occupied much of my thinking. Of course, in those days everything was about learning to see. And he know me, I somehow completely missed the connection between them. That is, until Sue gently nudged me and pointed out the error in my process.

So, I'm an idiot. Sue me.

I spent the last few days taking a break from all the studying that I've been doing. There's been a lot to do with FX and the Silver Owl, especially with helping get things together so that she can run the store herself. I guess it wasn't until something Sue said about keeping the store open, that it dawned on me that this humble little bookshop is part of my dream too. Though I have to admit then after nearly two years of pushing myself as hard as I have, that taking a couple of weeks off to go hit a few states sales in search of the kind of things that would be appropriate for a shop like that, is going to be a nice change of pace.

And hell, I've got three paintings for class and the business taxes to do before the 15th.