Note: This is written from a log of the actual events from inside Sue's mind. Actual passages from the log are between drawn lines. Several passages lapse into stream of memory and may be difficult to read, but it seemed necessary to write them that way. Jin, Alan, myself, and Audumla all contributed to the roleplay behind this scene and the memories are summaries of roleplay during the 'Amid the Shades of Death' story arc.

"There's rosemary, that's for remembrance;
pray, love, remember: and there is
pansies, that's for thoughts."

-- Ophelia from Hamlet by Shakespeare

The Black Squirrel Tavern
Late February, 2009

Something brings my steps to the Black Squirrel yet again, this night as past nights. Sanity dictates that I should avoid the place like the plague after the monster, after the HITMark, but I cannot. Alan is still torn by guilt, still locked in self-inflicted torment and I... have a responsibility. I didn't let him die when the shade lured him into taking his life, and I am responsible. I can't leave him in pain, leave him vulnerable, leave him alone, so I come back here against all good sense, to make sure he received my warning, to see him, since he does not come to see me. Does he ever even leave the bar, his apartment?

I nearly collide with an unfortunate man, a vagrant who managed to get in and get in with his shopping cart. He's hurt himself but it just seems to be a bruise. I'd like to help him, but even if I had the sake he sought, I wouldn't give it over. I wonder where his family is, if he has one? He looks well enough though... he is surviving somehow. I will find him later, learn his story, and see if he wants to help himself, or if this state is one which he's meant to serve this life in.

Alan is playing tonight. Not singing, but then, who can blame him? I truly don't think it was his voice that brought the beast across, not in any literal sense. There was no power, no invokation there, but with the distortion in the Gauntlet... something like this was bound to happen. I take a seat at the bar, order a coffee, and wait.

It's not long I wait either, until Alan's set breaks and he comes over. I still see the goodness, the glow of his true self shining through the pain and anguish. It is still there. I need to figure out how to nurture that, but I just don't know enough yet. If I can get it to grow, it will eclipse the darkness and he will live again.

Alan says "Hi...how are you?"

Sue chuckles quietly "I'm alright... and yourselfff...." Her question trails off as she blanches. She literally goes white, all color draining frm her face, her posture going stock-stiff, fingernails imbedding themselves in the palms of her hands. Her eyes are the worst, flying wide open without apparently seeing -anything-, brimming with a deep seated horror and near panic.

It's a buzz...just a buzz. It's simply annoying at the first, and then it grows to fill my head with a cacaphony of all kinds of things. Snippets of thought, emotional trauma, light, sound, and memories that cause me to pause and be disoriented. Wild magick, again, this time Manas, Mind. It hammers at my skull, the wards I've built against intrusions, the careful walls around my personal space. I am not perfect. I have fear. The thought of another invading my mind is terrifying, and the thought of this wild disturbance impersonally raping my consciousness is many times so, and I am beseiged, caught within the storm of wild magick. Wild Mind magick, Manas... tearing at me, bludgeoning careful walls.

I must fight it!

Alan blinks and reaches for your hand, seeing poor Jin earlier having really awakened the compassion part of him. "Sue!"

Sue doesn't... notice. Her hand is fisted tightly, and icy-cold, though you know she wears gloves out of doors. Further, tiny rivlets of blood are starting to seep from her palms, where her nails dig in.

Too late there just there where did that wall come from but no time to wonder it is crumbling unleashing a flood a tidal wave crashs thunders pounds into my conscious mind unleashing memories held back I sense the ward not yet come due this shouldn't be happening too soon make it stop make it stop make it stop too much...

Remember the snap remember insanity remember the alley the shade the destruction remember plummeting over the edge remember walking as one dead remember mother remember father remember husband touch nothing living there is nothing living mustn't eat mustn't drink look mother I made you a butterfly isn't it pretty for you mother yes mother a bath mother clean clothes mother paper animals see my pets mother father won't let me have real pets father's home paper on the floor father will be mad father will be mad please don't be mad I'll pick it up I'll be perfect father don't father go away! Husband! Come to rescue me help me hold me don't go so sorry so very sorry loved you had to go had to leave forgive me hold me you were sick are you better?

Alan says softer but more urgently "Sue!" He looks around warily.

Sue doesn't seem to hear you either, though she finally draws a ragged breath, seeming as though it requires some effort to get it down her locked throat.

Can't stay here Goddess calls I go must take things must take bones and knife and rattle and feather and things and things and things must find way out of dead lands must live again must find answers must not destroy more souls they must reincarnate can they if I destroy them do I destroy the Avatar Atman Infinite great unforgivable sin must know don't know must ask must ask look in the moonlight pretty glass sparkly sharp need this too

Goddess sends messenger black night-winged raven star browed sacred raven her eyes to guide me tell me here is the right place this reflection of the resting place of the dead this graveyard I honor you the one who sent you accept my gift as I accept your guidance I am greatful Great Mother Mahadevi your daugher adores you revers you guide me through this darkness.

Cemetery shades lay close must call like Ulysses with blood no blood but my blood must cut wards protection from hungry ghosts red against light flesh pretty must dance must call look I bring you blood hear I call for you feel I make your path easier come to me only mother comes dead mother poor mother I am so sorry mother I killed father mother he killed you I think how did you die mother I'm sorry mother I had to mother forgive me mother I had to leave mother mother mother mother mother why are you here mother why not alive again mother why I am so afraid mother why are you here I must take you home mother come with me I have no home mother follow you mother.

Alan doesn't know what to do but hold your hand. Your blood does allow him to do one daring thing: Life scan you. To make sure this isn't coming from within.

Sue is too far gone into whatever it is that is holding her thus to resist your probing. Whatever is happening here, it is not stemming from the natural processes of her own body, though they bear the result. Despite the chill of her hand, her pulse races and her heart beats frantically, adrenaline flooding her system even as her body is held rigid.

Beatrice dead Kim dead Aliya dead killed tried to trap me didn't mean to didn't mean to only get away should have let me go move on don't linger run run run back to alley back where am I so lost I need I need I need I can't remember what I need where am I found they want to help they want to help their killer no must move on promise to move on must live again must live again erase my mistake where is my way why am I here nothing lives so cold must find must find must find what?

She lays there soul barely seen barely see her my sister so close but not in my world yet not the world I am trapped in now so close dying I can hear so close others close too they will not take you sister they will not damn you to my new world to walk and move and never rest they will not I will not let them make them promise to take you to the light to relive to continue I see your Atman I see your essence I see it separate I see hope I see I see I see release you ask release I can reach and give you release regret not knowing so rare so lonely body stops ashes to ashes I see separation I see Manas join my world I see Atman transcend elsewhere light live again Psyche and Soul not one start to understand have not sinned so greatly have not broken the cycle have not shattered the WHeel there is going on always going on always thank you sister thank you for showing me the key your release is my release.

Alan can't stop it. He can only sense it, his studies in that art being the most rudimentary.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! This is too much, too fast! I.. I ... I ... came to Manchester to pay a debt. Yes, I remember Evangeline's death, but I left afterwards... I took her ashes to the Ganges! The Rimpoche purified me in the holy river... I wasn't mad, I wasn't insane, I didn't loose so many days wondering around, nearly Marauder! I didn't! I refuse! Someone... something is doing this to me. I have to get out of here, I have to flee, I have to get beyond it's grasp...

It is only a moment longer that she's frozen like this, but though she gives a start, a small lurch, the fear and panic are by no means banished from her eyes.

Whether she knows if you're still there or not, whether she can feel your hand now, or not, the first and foremost thought is to get... away. Try to escape something that can't be escaped, but rationality doesn't rule her at the moment. She abandons the bar and her stool, starting to pull you with her if you do not surrender her hand.

Alan doesn't let go. He'll go with you, he still has twenty minutes and if he can't get it sorted out that fast..then he'll worry.

Sue is a bit stronger then she looks, but tell me you didn't expect that? She's also fast... rushing for the exit at a near run, all grace and dignity so much roadkill.

Something... is hanging on to me. Won't let me go! It's slowing me down, dragging at me. I have to be free. I will destroy it if I must, but I must be free, I must get away! I cannot let this ... this ... whatever force this is still tear at my mind! Not here, not now, not in front of others. How can I help put others back together if I can't even keep myself whole? I can't let anyone see me like this. No one will trust me. No one will listen to me. No one will let me help them if they know!

Alan hangs on and sets his feet to slow you, even if he can't stop you. If you run into the street, it's a Bad Thing.

Certainly, your weight acts as an anchor, and after not so many steps, she turns, still wild-eyed, to see what hampers her, a nearly imperceptible dark glow starting to gather around her free hand. She at least recognizes you enough not to use it, but she tries to tug out of your grasp, an almost pleading note to her voice as it nearly escalates to a wail on the last note "I have to get -out-!"

Alan says firmly "Sue. Stop. It's Alan." He was a priest in training, and while he may not show it often he does now.

It's Alan that's impeding me. Oh, how do I make him understand?!? I have to go! Please let me go, let me go!

Sue shakes her head, her anguish doubling every moment that others can see that, well... she's in anguish. A self-feeding loop tieing her up in knots. "I -can't- stay here..."

Alan says "Come up to my apartment? You can relax there, it's safe."

Alan keeps his voice low. So far, it looks to the crowd like an employee doing a crisis intervention...so far so good.

No where is safe, no where! There is no safe. I can feel it slipping, I can feel my mind slipping again, like it did before. I need... I need to get out of here! But... too many here. I'll kill myself if I Dance with Shiva here, or become trapped in a Realm or the madness will take me again. I can't let it take me again! I can leave through his room. I can leave then. I can. Up the stairs, just up the stairs, away from the crowd, away from everything.

Sue's beseiged rational hears the appeal in that, though the dominant terror of the moment drowns it out. Still in a driving need for flight, she doesn't answer you in words, but turns towards the stairs, taking a step towards them, likely all the length of our arms allow unless you follow.

Alan lets you have that length, giving Matt a visible thumb's up. People go back to their meals and drinks.