4 July 2009, Early Evening, Bea's Sanctum

I think that the only reason I woke up at all was because of the urge to go to the bathroom. Otherwise, I think I would have slept another day. I felt like I had been stepped on, hungover, and generally deflated. That weird feeling in my right hand wasn't helping, either. I just clenched my hands for a little bit, trying to get the feeling again.

Yeah, it sounds like a Manilow song. So sue me.

Breathe, figure it all out. The smell was familiar to me. I was dressed again. Keeping my eyes closed made sure there was no visual input to sort out or anything to confuse me. It was easier that way. God knows that even with the peace I felt, that I didn't need any more confusion.

The door to where I was opened slowly and closed again before I realized it. A whisper, a voice familiar to me said, "Bea?"

Took me a minute to find the energy to open my eyes. I tried to answer, but it came out as more of a disappointingly weak grunt. Man, I hate drug hazes.

"It's Kammie, Bea. You're home."

I processed that at the same time I realized the rings were missing. My eyes opened fast and I started fighting to get myself rolled to look for our wedding bands. No way, I wasn't going to rest until I found them again.

Kammie wasn't moving and all she said as I started moving under my own power was, "Can I get you something to drink?"

I suppose it was a good thing I didn't have the energy to say what I was thinking in the moment, eh?

"Be careful of the IV."

/Fuck the IV./ I glanced around me and that the bed, saying in a half panicked murmur, "Rings...."

"You had them with you. We left them in your hand. Did they fall to the floor?" and then it sounded like she was scooting toward me.

My arm got free of the covers and that let me start patting the floor. I had to restraint my movements because of the needle in my arm. I said in a slurred murmur, "Not going to lose them...not after everything...." My heart was racing and my head pounding right along with it.

"You had them when you arrived, Bea. They're here somewhere."

The person at the door escaped my notice until Kammie's polite inquiry was answered by Sue's voice. Sue enters the room quietly, a clean bandage wrapped around her left hand.

Sue murmured a quiet "Hello..."

"Hello, Sue." was Kammie's response. "Bea's looking for her rings."

I finally spotted them. They were laying just within my grasp, side by side near some towels and stuff. I made the left hand grab and nearly knocked them away from me with the ham-handed attempt. My hand closed on them and I scooped them up, totally relieved. "Got them." was all I could say, the effort leaving me damn near breathless.

"Good."

I heard Kammie say it, but really didn't want to respond. Everything was spinning.

Then Sue asked quietly, "How are you feeling, Beatrice?"

I couldn't see Sue and didn't want to move right then. Had the rings and I needed to catch my breath for a bit. Finally, I managed a quiet, "Here...." Clenching the rings in my fist for reassurance, I said, still a bit out of it, "I don't know what else." The only stimulus that reached by brain was the feeling that something was in my right hand. I rubbed my palm on the blanket, but couldn't get the thing off.

Sue walked my way a bit and asked, "Is there anything that you need?"

I found the energy to roll to my back again. Less effort with gravity working more for you than against. Again, I clenched the hand with the rings and murmured and answer, "Bathroom." My eyes found Sue standing not far from me, Kammie closeby before I confirmed, "Definitely bathroom."

Kammie scooted back against the wall trying to be out of the way as she asked, "Can you walk to the bathroom, or would you like something here?"

You know? A question like that was enough to make me determined to get on my feet. There is a certain dignity in being free to use the toilet under your own power--and on your own schedule.

Sue offered her hand, "We can walk you there, if you want it that way."

"Let me find 'up'." I barely noticed the bandage on Sue's other hand as I stupidly looked at the offered one. Then a short moment passed where I realized that I was home and didn't know how long I had been gone, home, or asleep. "How long?"

"Have you been sleeping? A day or so..."

It was enough of an answer for right then. I filed it away and started trying to shuffle the rings to my right hand. Whatever was in it was bugging me and I rubbed my palm a but more before putting the two bands into that hand. I wasn't sure I could hold onto them. Taking the offered hand, I thanked Sue for the help, while trying hard not to lean too much, nor have my legs buckle under me.

Well, Sue got me on my feet and I leaned harder than I wanted to. Yeah, it was weird pride thing, but I used the right hand to steady myself against the bookshelf while the IV bag was brought over. "Sorry," I apologized, not wanting to be either dependent or clumsy.

As shake of the head and then Sue said, "It's alright... lean on me if you need to." She looked over to Kammie "How are you doing?"

Kammie looked a little surprised, "Me? I'm well, thank you."

It didn't take a lot for me to decide it was okay to lean on Sue. I mean, I really don't want to seem like I'm helpless in front of the woman, but let's face it, I was so doped up at that point that it was kind of a great thing to not have to be carried. In Detroit, I couldn't walk for days and even when I could, I needed a lot of help. "I'm with it.", I said, making a pointed effort to stay on my feet.

"You go ahead. I think I'd only hold things up." Kammie said. She had gotten to be an expert at understatement.

The bathroom trip, thankfully, was not a long or eventful thing. I managed to neither drop the rings nor the toilet paper. I only put the rings down long enough to wash my hands, then scooped them back into the right again. At first, all I saw was the bandage. I didn't remember anything happening to my forehead that needed a bandage, but the whole end of that mess with the cult was so disjointed in my head that it wouldn't be hard for me to have missed a face wound.

Oddly enough, I just noted the total whiteness of my eyes without a second thought--it hit me a bit later on. I got back through the bathroom door to where Sue was and she helped me back to bed. All the while, I was fingering the bandage and mumbling my way through the events I could remember to see if I spaced getting it.

Kammie was still being pleasant. "Would you like something to eat? Drink?"

Sue didn't say anything as she helped me lower myself back down to the mattress. It was a painstaking trip down for me, especially as I was just tired enough for the cobwebs to cling to the edges of my vision. I heard Kammie's question, but waited until we'd safely seated me before I said, "Just water." The thought of food made my stomach start a slow knotting gyration--no point in tempting it. Shifting the rings from right to left, I let myself down to the bed the rest of the way and then looked at the rings again.

Kammie shuffled out and came back with the water. It was in a plastic glass, those kind having become indispensable in a house with a blind person. She settled down by the bed and held the glass out in my general direction.

Sue settled in next to me, quietly folding her legs under her. "Do you want to talk, Beatrice?"

Talking...loaded concept. I was fuzzed up pretty good and unsure of what I was feeling. Everything crystallizes to single acts, all of which are very in the moment. In a moment of focus, I took my ring and put it back on my finger. That made it easier, but at the same time harder to look upon the lone ring left there. I closed my eyes against the sight, feeling more than a little lost as I closed the ring around my husband's ring. "Not much to say." Or maybe I just didn't know what to say beyond, "They got him."

I finally noticed poor Kammie and the water. Kammie has been kinda bent on proving her usefulness since the day she moved into the house. You get used to it eventually, I suppose. The blindness thing, and the Ford thing, and the weird drums thing have all made her tense--thus, more need to prove usefulness. I guess we're all broken in different ways, huh?

Taking the glass with a murmured thanks, I felt self conscious about needing to be polite. Alien thing right then, for sure. Something moved in the corner of my vision and it took a moment to realize it wasn't really someone with a gun about to blow someone's brains out. I was seeing things, which meant I was really more tired than I knew, which prompted me to rub my eyes. I took a drink and was glad to have something in my gut that wasn't making me instantly sick.

Sue murmured softly, "I am sorry..." She let it settle at that, something for which I was silently glad of. Otherwise, she remained silent.

I knew the gig, that she wanted me to say what I wanted to say about it. I kept drinking so I wouldn't have to say anything at all. The plan worked fine until the water was gone. "Amy was pretty proud of herself." was all I could think to say.

"For ... getting him?" Kammie asked.

I don't know how long I looked down at Rad's ring in my hand. It was one of those long stares where you follow every curve and line of something to etch it into your memory. "Yeah," I said with a frown, "she's dead...I think they all died." Then I closed my fist around the ring again and remembered when I put it on his finger. Was it only ten months ago? I set my chin on my fist, and stared, somewhere between reverie and loss.

Kammie stood up again. "Excuse me. I need to do something." She sidled to the door and left quietly.

Maybe it shouldn't surprise me that they were surprised that I knew, and took it in a sort of stride. Oh yeah, I was in denial, and my internal reference points were shot to hell, but at least I knew the truth, for whatever good or ill it got me. Offhandedly, I said to Sue, "I'm not going to fall apart." My eyes closed again and I said, "Won't do anyone any good."

Sue murmured just loud enough for the two of us to hear, "It might do -you- good, though, to let yourself. At least, enough to vent everything out." A pause, then she added, "Bleeding cleanses a wound. A little is good."

Annoyed with the sensation, I rubbed my palm again. There was still more input than I could handle and that hand thing was slowly making me nuts. I looked down as I answered, "I think, for now, I need to know what happened...even where I was. It all runs together and gets fuzzy." I was more than frustrated and truly wasn't sure that I could express myself. It was partially the need to take a safe distance from it, but also the haze and the confusion.

"I only know where we found you, in a park in Hartford. I can't tell you anything else." Sue said after a long breath.

I closed my eyes and said, "It was mostly like last time. Just didn't get to the bitter end." There really wasn't need to speak of it in vast reams of detail. At least not yet and not here. I like Sue, and certainly respect her, but she's not my confidant. Maybe that was part of the problem; so much to say and the one person I could say it to wasn't here to tell.

Someone else came into the room and took a seat on the floor nearby. I wasn't into looking and didn't care all that much anyway. The meaning of 'privacy' had gotten pretty relative while I had been a guest of the cult and the privacy of my mind was certainly enough for the moment.

I saw Sue spare a warm smile for whoever it was, before turning back to me and asking, "Would you like wards? I will set them for you..."

Wards. Wow, what a concept. I just nodded a little, not even willing to refuse the offer, "Without Rad, I can't do it myself. We only got the bedroom done." We never had enough time to do things like set up all the wards. There was never enough time for anything.... Man, the weight sank on top of me right then.

Sue got up and took off her shoes. She looked over at the other visitor with a smile and I took a look to see that it was Korshan. There was a moment of hesitation and the she set herself to the task of weaving a simple enough Correspondence and Spirit ward. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her start the dance she did throughout the next little while. I turned my attention to Korshan, marvelling and having forgotten how huge that guy really is.

Korshan returned the smile to Sue, the warmth was apparent in it. Then he looked to me and said, "I do not mean to interrupt, but it is good to see that you are awake now Beatrice. I was very worried about how you would pull through after the condition we found you in."

'Pull through' is another of those relative things, but the choice of words said a lot to me. I lifted my head and looked over his way, "Was I that bad?" I knew the answer already, I suppose. I was pretty sure that they'd overdone the drugs during the course of the last couple days before the ritual. The hushed words and the constant visits from the needles told me that they didn't want me coherent enough to use my magick on anyone else.

Korshan nodded his head somewhat solemnly. "You were. It was all I could do to heal the many bruises and cuts you had. The collar you wore was on so tightly that it bruised into the muscle deeply and seemed to have nearly crushed your neck."

The rippling of the magick from Sue's efforts set a twitch through me. I put the feeling down quickly enough, but the new source of input set my head reeling. I out my right hand to my forehead and spent moment to focus. "It was a bad week." was my response to Korshan, which was understatement of some magnitude. That collar was a horror and the rest of it...well, not really getting into it. Sue continued to alter the local universe with her dance. I ran a hand through my hair and took a deep breath.

Korshan grinned faintly at me. Wasn't hard to sense he was a little worried. He was at least trying to be supportive, which I am grateful for. "This next one is not looking so well either." His eyes were drawn to Sue, the prayers and twisting motions of her body holding his attention.

I closed my eyes. "I'm not -there-. It's already looking up." How Sue managed to dance around this room and not stumble over every piece of junk tossed down on the floor, including myself, was a small marvel. The steps were certainly in perfect time with the music she danced to, whatever the sang was playing in her head.

Korshan shifted closer to me, taking a hand up in his and completely enveloping it in the process. "There...yes, I do not think anyone is there anymore. A large gang on motorcycles arrived just before we did. The gunfire from within was no less than thunderous. It all died away just as Sue figured out that you were no longer inside. It took us nearly ten minutes to find you at the park."

I put my free arm over my eyes and drew a jagged breath. I'm not sure that I was ready to face any of it again, let alone deal with talking about it. Finally I said, "I...was...facing the 'darkness'. Then Amy started taunting me and..." Then I had to stop myself from talking about it, carefully picking my words so as to not give away anything to the gypsy, "All hell broke loose." From there, the gates opened and the words kept coming. "Was too busy dealing with Bobby and Amy to care much what was going on. Growling and screaming from one side, then gunfire and stuff from the other." I took a deep breath and opened my eyes before I continued, "I killed Amy..." and it was good to say it. I had done the world a service and closed the door on the bad blood between us. She'd not hurt anyone else in this life and it was good enough for me.

"Then I was under this tree in the rain," I said, still lost as to how I'd gotten there. Must have been close to the place I'd been held. "Fell there...and woke up here."

Korshan squeezed my hand and placed that other huge mitt on my shoulder. "Do not feel that you need to explain anything to me. I have seen many new things since I was told about your disappearance yesterday. I am happy that I could be of help to you...but I feel that I may have overstepped my bounds in doing so." He sighs heavily. "If any of those who hurt you survived the night, I would be surprised. If any of them come after you here, I will kill them myself."

Well, it's a good thing he doesn't want an explanation, because I'm not at liberty to give one. That's because I can't always explain it to myself.